Let me just say this first: I don’t knock tradition. I know there was a time when you got married first and then figured it out. But let’s be real—it’s 2025. The stakes are too high, the world is too loud, and relationships are too layered for me to sign up for forever without peeling back all the layers first. I want to know who you are from the version I met in the club to the one I wake up next to in the morning—with your bonnet or beard or whatever else included.

Marriage isn’t a checklist or a milestone anymore—it’s a lifestyle. A commitment. A shared space in every way possible. And before I say yes to that, there are certain things I need to know, see, and experience with you. These are my non-negotiables before marriage—each one shaped by real life, real love, and lessons I’ve had to learn the long way.

1. Can We Cohabitate?

Listen, I need to know how you live. Period.

It’s not enough to go on cute dates and text good morning and good night. I need to see you when you’re grumpy, when you’re lazy, when the trash needs to go out, or the dishes are piling up. I need to know: can we coexist in the same space? Do you value cleanliness? Are you the type to leave clothes in the dryer for a week, or do you fold your laundry before I even notice?

More than that—can we pick up where each other slacks off? Because life happens. I’m not going to be 100% every day, and neither are you. But are we willing to step in and support each other in those moments without resentment? That’s the test. I’ve been hyper-independent for most of my life, and I’m not proud of it, but I am aware of it. I grew up with a single mom and learned early on to do everything for myself, by myself. I didn’t know any other way.

That’s not a badge of honor—it’s survival. And now that I’m grown and healing, I need a partner who can give me grace as I learn to unlearn that. Someone who understands that it might take me a second to ask for help—not because I don’t trust you, but because I’m still figuring out how to let someone in. Cohabitation is about more than just sharing a space; it’s about learning each other’s rhythms and choosing to align.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to guess with my partner—we lived together pretty much from the jump. Thanks to COVID, we were confined to the same space almost immediately after meeting, so it fast-tracked our cohabitation experience. It was intense, no doubt, but it worked out in our favor. We meshed well. We figured out each other’s quirks, respected each other’s routines, and proved early on that we could do life together under one roof.

2. Do You Know How to Care for Something Other Than Yourself?

Here’s the thing: if we’re planning to raise kids one day, I need to see how you nurture now.

And no, I’m not saying go have a baby to see if someone is ready for marriage. But pets? Oh, they tell you everything. How someone treats their dog or cat can show you a lot about their patience, their ability to love unconditionally, their sense of responsibility—even their boundaries.

Take my boyfriend, for example. We’ve got dogs and cats together, and let me tell you, he is the sweetest, most loving caretaker. He has the biggest heart. Sometimes I joke that he’s more anxious about their well-being than I am. But honestly? That anxiety just shows me how deeply he cares. He’s always checking to make sure everyone is fed, walked, cuddled, and safe. He’s gentle, but also consistent—and that tells me so much about how he’ll be as a father one day. Definitely the softy. Probably the good cop when we parent together. And I love that for our future kids.

Because at the end of the day, parenting isn’t just about discipline and routine—it’s about heart. If you can’t show compassion to a pet, how are you going to love a child? I need to see that nurturing energy before we build a family. That’s non-negotiable.

3. What’s Your Family Dynamic?

Whew. This one right here? Critical.

You don’t need to come from a perfect family—God knows I didn’t. But I need to understand your family story, because it shapes how you show up in relationships.

I came from a single-mom household. I watched her do it all, and I adopted that same energy. I became hyper-independent out of necessity. My boyfriend, on the other hand, grew up in a two-parent household. And to be honest, that was an adjustment for me at first. I remember asking, “Why do we need to clean together? Why do we need to do everything as a team?” It felt foreign. I didn’t grow up seeing partnership modeled like that.

But over time, I came to understand the beauty in what he was offering. Two-parent households bring a different model of partnership. A different pace. A different kind of teamwork. And if I didn’t take time to understand why my boyfriend moves the way he does, I would’ve misjudged him. I would’ve mistaken his togetherness for control, or his teamwork for codependence. But now I see it for what it is—love in action. Support without conditions.

So yeah, I need to know your family dynamics. I need to know who raised you, what you saw growing up, how you handle conflict, what your love language looks like, and what your expectations are in a long-term partnership. Because if we don’t talk about those things early, they will absolutely show up later.

4. Can We Get Through a Mishap Together?

The last non-negotiable is probably the most important. Before I marry anyone, we need to go through something real together—specifically, a loss.

It could be a job, a loved one, a major disappointment—something that shakes your world a little. I need to see how you show up for me in those moments, and I need you to see how I show up for you.

My partner is a firefighter, and if I’m being honest, loss doesn’t shake him the way it shakes me. When my grandma passed away, I expected him to grieve with me in a certain way—to cry, to talk, to emote. But he didn’t. And at first, that hurt. It made me question whether he cared or understood how deep the loss ran for me.

But after some hard conversations and going to therapy, I realized something crucial: his job has made him numb to death in a way that’s hard to explain. I can’t imagine being sad and crying over every body he sees—at some point, you have to turn that part of yourself off to survive. And once I understood that, I stopped expecting him to show up like someone who hasn’t seen death daily. Instead, I saw the quiet ways he supported me. The small things. The stability. The presence.

Because love is easy when everything is smooth. But life isn’t always smooth. And when that storm hits, I want to know I can lean on you—and that you can lean on me. I want to know that when things fall apart, we hold each other tighter instead of pushing each other away.

This is about more than sympathy—it’s about presence. About being there in the messy middle, when words don’t fix anything and all we can do is sit in the silence and hold space. That’s marriage. That’s real partnership.

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How to Navigate These Conversations with Your Partner (And When to Bring Them Up)

So now that we’ve established the what—let’s talk about the how and when.

Because as important as it is to know your non-negotiables, it’s just as crucial to talk about them. Marriage doesn’t sneak up on you. It’s something you build toward—intentionally, emotionally, and mentally. These conversations aren’t one-and-done either. They’re layered, ongoing, and they evolve as your relationship deepens.

Here’s how I approach it with love, curiosity, and respect—because it’s not about catching your partner off guard or pushing an agenda. It’s about building alignment before commitment.

1. Cohabitation Compatibility: When You Start Talking About the Future

When to bring it up: Once you’re serious and starting to talk about “next steps”—like moving in together or long-term planning.

How to bring it up:

“Have you ever lived with a partner before? What was that experience like for you?”
“What do you think is the key to keeping peace in a shared space?”

And then go deeper:

“One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’ve been super independent for a long time. I’m still learning how to let people in, especially when it comes to sharing a home and asking for help. If we ever lived together, I’d want us to be able to support each other in a real way—what does that look like to you?”

2. Pet/Nurturing Conversations: When You’re Considering Long-Term Commitments

When to bring it up: If you’re discussing kids, marriage, or already raising pets together.

How to bring it up:

“The way you take care of our pets honestly makes me emotional sometimes. I see how big your heart is, and it makes me think about what kind of parent you’d be. Do you ever think about that for yourself?”

Or:

“How do you think raising pets is preparing us for raising kids one day? I’ve noticed it really brings out our different strengths.”

3. Family Dynamics: As Soon as You Start Meeting Families or Spending Holidays Together

When to bring it up: Once family becomes part of your shared life.

How to bring it up:

“Growing up with a single mom made me fiercely independent, but also made it hard for me to accept help. I’ve been working on that. What was your dynamic like growing up?”

“I’ve noticed families operate so differently. I’m still learning how to function in spaces where people really rely on each other—what did that look like in your house?”

4. Loss or Mishap: When Life Naturally Presents the Opportunity

When to bring it up: When something hard happens—or even as a hypothetical.

How to bring it up:

“Have you ever experienced a major loss or setback? How did you cope, and who did you lean on?”

“If something hard happened in my life, I’d want to know I could count on my partner to show up for me emotionally. What does support look like for you when someone you love is hurting?”

If you have been through something difficult together—reflect on it:

“When I lost [job/loved one/etc.], the way you showed up for me meant a lot. I realized then that you’re someone I can truly lean on. Did that moment shift anything for you too?”

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Final Thoughts: Lead with Curiosity, Not Judgment

Every conversation should come from a place of seeking to understand, not trying to test your partner or score emotional points. The timing doesn’t have to be perfect—but the intention should be. This is about emotional intimacy, not control.

You don’t have to bring it all up at once. These non-negotiables are topics that can be woven naturally into your relationship over time. You’ll know it’s the right time when you both feel emotionally safe, open, and ready to talk about real life—not just the romantic highlight reel.

Because marriage isn’t built in a single moment. It’s built through many honest, sometimes uncomfortable, deeply human conversations over time.

And if you can have those? You’re already building the kind of love that lasts.