I am both a dog owner and a cat owner, and loving each has taught me something very different about love.

Dogs taught me unconditional love.

Cats taught me conditional love.

And honestly, I think we see these two types of love play out in our relationships every single day.

If you have ever loved a dog, you know this kind of devotion well. Dogs love you regardless. Bad day? They’re there. Messy house? Still there. Emotional? Still wagging their tail, still excited to see you, still choosing you. Dogs don’t keep score. They don’t withdraw affection when you disappoint them. Their love is expansive, forgiving, and constant.

Cats, on the other hand, are a completely different experience.

Cats love deeply, but selectively. Their love is earned. It requires respect, consistency, and awareness. You don’t get access just because you exist. If you cross a boundary, they pull away. If you ignore their signals, you lose closeness. If you violate trust, they don’t rush back to reassure you.

And yet, when a cat chooses you, it is intentional. It is real. It is mutual.

Neither kind of love is better than the other. Both are necessary. But they belong in very different places.

Unconditional love is sacred. It is powerful. It is also not meant to be given freely to everyone.

Unconditional love makes sense in relationships where care and responsibility are foundational, such as with children, close family, or people who are genuinely dependent on you in healthy ways. Children need unconditional love to feel safe in the world. Family bonds often require a level of grace that is not transactional. These relationships are about commitment, not performance.

But unconditional love becomes dangerous when it is given to people who consistently disrespect you, dismiss your needs, or rely on your forgiveness without accountability. Too many of us have learned to love like dogs in relationships where being more cat-like would actually protect us.

If you have ever found yourself overgiving, overexplaining, or staying connected to someone who keeps hurting you, you may have been offering unconditional love to the wrong people. You might have been loyal when boundaries were needed. Forgiving when change was required. Present when distance would have been healthier.

Conditional love, despite its reputation, is not cold or cruel. It is discerning.

Cats teach us that love can still be warm while having conditions. That affection can coexist with boundaries. That closeness is built through mutual respect, not endurance. Conditional love says, “I care about you, and how you treat me matters.”

This kind of love is especially important in intimate and platonic relationships. Romantic partnerships thrive on trust, communication, and reciprocity. Friendships require effort from both sides. Love in these spaces should feel nourishing, not draining. Safe, not anxiety-provoking.

Conditional love does not mean withholding affection to punish someone. It means being clear about what you will and will not tolerate. It means recognizing that access to you is earned through consistency, honesty, and care. It means understanding that love is not proven by how much pain you can endure.

February often centers love around romance and grand gestures, but Valentine’s Day can also be a moment to reflect on how we love and where we place that love. It is a chance to ask ourselves if our love is aligned with our values or if we are pouring into spaces that can never hold what we give.

Both kinds of love are useful. Both are needed.

Unconditional love teaches us compassion, patience, and devotion. It reminds us that some bonds are meant to be steady even when imperfect. Conditional love teaches us self-respect, boundaries, and discernment. It reminds us that love should not cost us our well-being.

The key is not choosing one over the other, but learning where each belongs.

Love like a dog with your children.

Love like a dog with those who have proven they are safe.

Love like a cat with partners and friends who must earn access to your heart.

And above all, invest the love you give in the right places, with the right people.

Because love is not just about how much you feel.

It is about how wisely you choose to give it.

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🪞 Reflection Prompt

Where in your life are you loving without discernment?

Who receives unconditional access to you, and who has truly earned it?

What would it look like to offer unconditional love where it nurtures growth, and conditional love where boundaries are required?

How might your relationships shift if love was invested with intention instead of habit?

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If this reflection resonated, share it with someone who may be learning how to love wisely, not endlessly.

Follow along on Instagram @ayanab_ for reflections on love, boundaries, embodiment, and emotional growth—through a soft, grounded, and intentional lens. 🤍