Recently, I asked my followers to send in life and love topics for me to explore on the blog. One question stood out: “Is it true that people who are in healthy romantic relationships often suffer in platonic ones—and vice versa?”

As a Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) student, I’m constantly observing how relationships intersect, overlap, and influence one another. My short answer to this question? It varies. Our capacity to connect, whether romantically or platonically, is deeply shaped by our upbringing, attachment style, personal values, and life experiences.

Let’s break it down.

Our Family of Origin Shapes Our Focus

Some of us grew up in homes where romantic love was modeled well—parents or caregivers showed mutual respect, partnership, and emotional presence. In these environments, children may learn to prioritize romantic relationships as the primary form of intimacy and connection. If your parents seemed to have everything they needed in each other, perhaps you didn’t witness strong friendships outside of that unit. As a result, you might subconsciously mirror this pattern in adulthood, focusing most of your energy on romantic love and struggling to maintain or value deep platonic bonds.

On the flip side, others grew up in environments where romantic love was unstable, unhealthy, or absent altogether. Maybe your caregivers had high-conflict relationships or emotional distance. In those cases, friendships might have become your emotional lifeline. You learned to lean on peers, cousins, mentors, or chosen family for support and validation. Romantic love may then feel risky, unfamiliar, or secondary to platonic intimacy.

Sometimes, the Drive Is What You Didn’t Get

There’s also a flipside that’s just as powerful: sometimes people are driven to over-invest in the type of relationship they lacked growing up. For example, if you never saw a healthy romantic relationship modeled, you might chase romantic intimacy with urgency—longing to “get it right” and create the love you never had. In doing so, you might unintentionally neglect your friendships. Similarly, someone who grew up without consistent, loyal friendships may work hard to build a strong platonic circle as an adult—so much so that romantic connection becomes an afterthought. The unmet need becomes the focus, sometimes at the expense of balance. It’s a way of trying to heal, but healing doesn’t have to mean overcompensating—it can mean creating space for both.

One Type of Relationship Doesn’t Cancel Out the Other

It’s important to acknowledge that having a thriving romantic relationship doesn’t inherently mean you lack strong friendships, and vice versa. However, life demands and emotional bandwidth can make it hard to pour equally into every connection. Especially in adulthood, people may over-prioritize one type of relationship without realizing it.

In therapy and personal development work, we often ask: Where did you first learn love? Where did you first feel safe? The answers can tell us a lot about where people naturally invest their relational energy.

For example, someone with a secure attachment to their partner might not feel the same urgency to maintain close friendships, especially if their romantic relationship meets most of their emotional needs. Alternatively, someone with incredibly rich, long-lasting friendships might find romantic relationships to be optional or even threatening to the balance they’ve built.

Cultural Norms and Gender Play a Role Too

Let’s also consider cultural and gender norms. Many women are socialized to nurture platonic intimacy—deep conversations, emotional sharing, group connection. On the other hand, men may be taught to rely more heavily on romantic partners for emotional intimacy, which could leave friendships feeling more surface-level.

In some cultures, family and community are emphasized more than romantic partnership. In others, “happily ever after” is the ultimate goal, often at the expense of platonic closeness. None of these experiences are right or wrong—they just reflect different values and relational frameworks.

So… Is There a Trade-Off?

There doesn’t have to be a trade-off. But sometimes, imbalance happens. A person might unintentionally neglect their friendships when they enter a new relationship. Or they may pour so much into friends that romantic opportunities get overlooked or avoided.

The key is self-awareness. Are you hiding in one type of relationship to avoid vulnerability in another? Are you placing unrealistic pressure on one connection to meet all your needs? If so, it might be time to reevaluate and redistribute your emotional investments.

Final Thoughts

Human beings are wired for connection—not just romantic, and not just platonic. We thrive when we have multiple sources of support, joy, and belonging. Whether you feel most secure in love, in friendship, or somewhere in between, it’s worth exploring why—and whether that balance still serves you.

At the end of the day, the relationships we prioritize often reflect the relationships that feel safest or most familiar. The goal isn’t to be perfect in all relationships, but to be intentional. That’s where real growth happens.