Welcome back to In Session with @ayanab_, where we look at reality TV through a marriage and family therapy lens.

This time, I want to talk about something that breaks up more relationships than people like to admit.

Money.

Not just how much you have, but what it represents.

Let’s get into Toya Bush Harris from Married to Medicine.

---

Toya and Financial Conflict That Is Really Emotional Conflict

Toya is expressive, opinionated, and very clear about the lifestyle she wants.

She talks openly about homes, spending, upgrades, and what she expects financially in her marriage.

And on the surface, it looks like the conflict is about money.

But if we slow down, it feels deeper than that.

Because in many relationships, money is rarely just about numbers.

It is about security.
It is about status.
It is about feeling valued.
It is about feeling safe.

---

🧠 Who She Is On the Surface

Toya presents as:
Emotionally expressive
Desiring comfort and luxury
Unapologetic about what she wants
Reactive when she feels restricted

She does not hide her disappointment when financial stress shows up. And she does not minimize her desire for more.

That honesty is bold.

But it can also create tension when partners are not aligned.

---

🔍 What I Notice

Watching her relationship dynamics, a few patterns stand out:

Financial decisions turn into emotional arguments
Stress about money becomes stress about the marriage
Disagreements escalate quickly
Feeling unheard turns into frustration

It often feels like the surface conversation is about budgets or houses.

But underneath it can sound more like:

Do you see what I need?
Do you understand what makes me feel secure?
Do you value my desires?

---

🧠 Therapist Take

From an MFT perspective, financial conflict is one of the most common presenting issues in couples therapy.

But the numbers are rarely the real issue.

Money can symbolize:
Power
Security
Control
Provision
Appreciation

If one partner sees money as stability and the other sees it as pressure, they are not just disagreeing about spending.

They are disagreeing about meaning.

And when meaning is not discussed, conflict repeats.

---

💭 What Might Be Underneath

For someone who is emotionally expressive like Toya, money can feel tied to love and reassurance.

A bigger home might represent success.
Financial freedom might represent safety.
Lifestyle might represent feeling provided for.

If those needs are not met, the reaction can feel intense.

Not because she is materialistic.
But because she may be reacting to what she feels is missing emotionally.

---

❤️ Real Life Reflection

This is where I always encourage couples to ask:

What does money mean to you?

Not how much.
Not the spreadsheet.
Not the mortgage.

But what does it represent?

For some people it means survival.
For others it means status.
For others it means peace.

If you and your partner attach different meanings to money and never talk about it, you will keep arguing about the same thing in different ways.

---

📝 Journal With Me

When I think about money in my relationship, what emotions come up?

Do I associate it with safety, fear, control, freedom, validation?

Have I ever clearly communicated what money represents to me?

---

✨ Final Thoughts from @ayanab_

Toya reminds us that financial conflict is rarely just financial.

It is emotional.
It is relational.
It is layered.

And instead of asking, Who is right about the money?

A more helpful question might be, What is this argument really about?

Because when couples start talking about meaning instead of numbers, the conversation shifts.

And that shift changes everything.